Uncharted: Drake's Fortune is the latest exclusive AAA title to hit the PS3. It's a modern action adventure in which you play as the ever so handsome and charming Nathan Drake who claims to be a descendant of legendary explorer Sir Francis Drake. In search of some crazy golden treasure, you trek to places unknown and unseen by modern man, only to find that modern man is, in fact, already there and worse, that he's shooting at you.

I should say that it's being billed as an action adventure. It is, in fact, not an action adventure. It's really a third person shooter with some minor action-adventure elements thrown in. Don't let the jungle theme and the treasure hunting story throw you off. You will spend the vast majority of your time in this game getting shot at. It's also being hailed as an awesome game.

I think my copy must be broken.

Uncharted tries to serve shooter fans and adventure fans simultaneously and, in so doing, fails them both. That said, it does a few things right. While they don't reach that orgasmic plateau that the fanboy press would have you believe, the graphics are pretty good and the frame rate never drops. Lush jungles and people look wet in the water. The load times are also few and short, which is nice. And the voice acting is pretty solid. Sadly, though, this is all presentation. And presentation is what a great deal of the review text you'll find out there focuses on.

There's a reason for that.

It's telling that the interviews with people involved with Uncharted focus purely on the technology. They don't talk about the awesome art direction ('cause it isn't) or about the compelling story and it's deeply developed characters ('cause it isn't and they aren't). And they don't talk about how much fun the game is (I shall leave this parenthetical comment as an exercise for ther reader to discern). What they do talk about is load times and the Cell processor and how the PS3 is so powerful that Uncharted only uses 30% of it's potential power. In short, they talk about the technology.

Why do they talk about the tech and not the awesomeness of the game? Because as games go, it doesn't have any. Seriously there is no game play awesomeness to be found here. From a game play perspective, there is nothing in Uncharted that hasn't been done elsewhere better. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Tech wise, Uncharted is a nice show piece. Nice sprawling levels. Lots of graphical detail. Wet clothes. Dry clothes. No load times! Whoop! But it doesn't bring a single interesting or new game play element to the table. It is wholly derivative. Derivative would be fine if it made some or, indeed any, improvements. But it doesn't so it's not. And that's just not fine at all.

Some have said that Uncharted is part Tomb Raider and part Gears of War. Unfortunately, it sucks at both. As an ancient temple crawling adventure, Uncharted is just not that good. The puzzles, such as they are, are few and far between. And the climby bits are too short, which is a mixed blessing of sorts because the climby controls are squishy and unreliable. Tight, reliable controls are important when you're climbing the outside walls of a castle overlooking a steep cliff face. Luckily there are no load times, because squishy controls have contributed to my falling to my death countless times. And if I had to wait for a reload every time I died, I would have quit in the first hour.

As a shooter, Uncharted is no better. It's aggravating and relentless. Even on easy, it's just enemy after enemy after enemy. And while the AI is pretty decent, using cover and grenades to great effect, there's just so damned many of them. And once again, the controls are squishy. The cover system is clunky and unreliable. And there's no freakin crouch control. The only way to crouch Drake is run up to something low. Sadly, doing so usually means traveling towards the enemy shooting at you.

For me, the most aggravating part of Uncharted is the ammo situation. Even on easy, enemies are basically bullet sponges. Unless, of course, you manage the head shot. But, if you're playing on easy (like me), you probably suck too hard to land more than the occasional headshot. So it's shoot shoot shoot, reload. Shoot shoot shoot, shit, I'm out of ammo. See, our buddy, Nate, can only hold a limited amount of ammo, so when there's plenty, he can't carry it. And the rest of the time, you'll be on a constant scavenger hunt to find more. Oh, yeah, and you actually have to stand over it and pick it up. And god forbid the gun (with the ammo in it) should fall under a bunch of leaves, cause then you'll never find the damnable thing. Come on, people, picking up ammo by stepping on it has been a staple of the genre since DOOM. Number one. The first Doom. 14 years ago. It worked then. It works now. Forcing me to step exactly over the gun and then press the triangle key does not add to the realism or the immersion of the game. Quite the contrary. It pisses me the hell off. These stupid little ammo hunts make me want to find something else to play.

Oh, hey, wait! I have an Xbox 360, so I can go play something else. Maybe I'll go play Tomb Raider or Gears of War.

Good day.

P.S. And don't you dare tell me to use the melee attack options. That's just stupid. I don't care if you're Jean-Claude Van Damme, you cannot kickbox your way out of a fire fight with 30 gunmen in the jungle.